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I took a really healthy poop today at Whole Foods. I have been backed up lately, because I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and whatnot. Needless to say, when I felt the movement approach, I was thrilled at the prospect of finally getting this waste out of me! I would have pooped at work, but my office-mates were all sitting around with their doors open and the sound travels a lot there. I am especially shy when I’m a tad gassy. And for the record, I did try pooping at the office first. I snuck my little air-freshener in the bathroom, shut the door and let out a little mini-poo. I sprayed my freshener and did a courtesy flush. As I clinched to let out the next shipment of goods, I perceived a great deal of gas was about to barrel out, so I held it.
I drove the short distance to the grocery store and rushed to the back of the dairy aisle. I peeked through the bottom of all 3 stalls to make sure the coast was clear. I pulled two long pieces of paper from the roll, folded them over, and placed them on the seat. As I pulled down my pants and sat down, I was finally free. OH YES. I AM GONNA SHIT, Y’ALL. I texted my best friend to let her know this was happening. She gets me.
Right at the peak of my relief, a fellow shopper walked in to the stall next to mine. I tried to flush the toilet to clear the poo-air. IT WON’T FLUSH!! OH JESUS. The damn thing is broken and I can’t flush the toilet. I have two 8 inch logs in there and I’m supposed to leave them?? Christ.
I don’t think I have to mention wiping here, you get the picture. So I pulled up my pants and spun around to check the dysfunctional toilet. I lifted the lid and shook the handle. The tank magically filled with water. I replaced the lid and tried flushing again. IT WORKED! SUCCESS!
But wait….oh my God. It’s not going down. THE TURDS ARE NOT GOING DOWN.
WHAT HAPPENED?? MY SHIT IS RISING UP TO THE TOP OF THE BOWL.
What do I do??? I looked around for a plunger. No luck.
Water started trickling over the edge of the bowl…
Splash, splash, splash!!
As if I were watching a train wreck, I felt helpless. TURDS started diving over the bowl like little canoes going down a waterfall. I grabbed my purse and tried to escape nonchalantly.
My toilet neighbor cried out, “What the hell is THAT?” With terror in her eyes, she flung open the bathroom stall and tried to take off in a mad dash.
As she spun around to escape the water, her loafers caught the edge of the puddle. Her right heel flew up beneath her and she tried to catch herself on the sink but missed.
Oh lord, it was a mess. Her hip caught the puddle, but gravity forced her shoulder to continue in a straight line for the poo.
There was poo all over her silk shirt and even a little in her pony tail.
All I could do was wash my hands and leave.